13 weeks down, 27 to go...

Baby keeps getting bigger and bigger, but I'm still not showing... We went in for a fancy-schmancy high resolution ultrasound last week to screen for Down Syndrome. Everything looks good, and Baby has a big brain and little pug nose. Also, Baby isn't eager to perform tricks for us. The sonographer had real trouble getting s/he to roll over - Baby prefers to chill out and take it easy.
The fancy machine also did 3-D projections, which were more scary than anything. In this picture, you can kind of make out the side of an upside-down face and a scrawny little arm, which confirmed Zach's suspicion that I am giving birth to an alien.
I've been feeling so much better lately, physically speaking, but I'm still battling mood-swings. It seems that everything makes me want to cry these days. Not even bad crying, usually, more it's-just-all-so...so...beautiful-crying. Movies, music, my cats...the tears are a-flowin'.

A Womb With a View

We just had our 12-week doctors appointment. Everyone is healthy and happy and looking good. I successfully managed not to gain too much weight in my first trimester. Baby's heartbeat is strong, but the little one really likes to lounge around - we could hardly get him/her to move, but s/he was waving their little arms around. Still too soon to tell if its a boy or a girl, but we think it might be part mermaid...
The head is on the left - you can see the profile of the face. Head to rump is 2.5 inches, which doesn't sound that big until you look at a ruler and then imagine something that size in your belly, which isn't getting any bigger at all.

Things I Did While Pregnant With You (Part I)

Your father and grandfather and I hiked along a ridge on Mt. Baker on a beautiful day in September. We had just found out about you and I was a little dizzy, but it was worth it.

Struggles or...?

I did not see this coming. I knew a lot about what pregnancy and childbirth would mean for my body, but I did not fully appreciate just how hard the first part would be. I haven't started showing yet - no one would know I am pregnant if I didn't tell them - and yet every day my body is slammed with the impact of this change like a load of bricks. I have been tired and queasy everyday for almost two months - I never get enough sleep - I never feel like I'm eating the right food or enough of it -I can't concentrate on anything - I cry at the slightest things - my brain and my body are in a permanent haze.

I keep telling myself that I only have a few more weeks to go before I am out of this particular patch. All the people who write helpful pregnancy books and websites assure me that I'll adjust to these new hormones and start to feel normal again when I get past the third month, but this raises a really critical question of what "normal" means, exactly, when you have something growing inside of you that doubles in size every other week. I might get past most of the fatigue and nausea, but I'll just be moving on to new complaints of cramps, shortness of breath, a changing figure. I don't think that there will every be such thing as "normal" again. Even after the baby arrives, everything will change again - in a big way - and not just for my body, but for my whole life.

I need to find a center in which to place these changes. I need to find a way to own them and embrace them and not be dragged down. I've never been the martyr-type. I have never believed that a woman should guard her trials like a secret and bear her struggles with silence. I want to be honest about what I'm going through and demystify - even deromanticize - this great feminine experience. But I have noticed that the more I talk about what I'm going through and share my struggles, the more negative my perspective becomes. I don't want to have a negative pregnancy. I want to be happy and filled with that warm, romanticized glow that pregnant women always have. Maybe that will come in the next trimester as I begin to see and feel the baby inside me. But I need to find a way to guard against stopping complaining about this phase only to begin complaining about the next phase. I need to get my brain on board with all these changes and deal with them with a little more grace than I have been.

How do I find a center when everything is shifting? How do I prepare myself for the surprise of these struggles?

You, my friends! Help me keep a positive perspective and don't let me become too dragged down. For my part, I'll try to get more sleep and keep myself healthy. I am amazed, beyond belief, that millions of women do this every year and somehow manage to keep working and loving and being their wonderful selves though it. It gives me hope that I'll be able to get through this without completely self-destructing as well.

New Name

My brother has started referring to me as "Jost Host." That makes me laugh.