Expansion

As my yoga instructor always says, pregnancy is about expansion. Surging hormones work to expand my bones, my ligaments, my uterine walls, all to support the expanding baby growing within me. Weight gain is a natural part of that expansion, too. I am proud to watch my growing belly, but that doesn't make it easy to watch the scale inch upwards. No matter how much I can tell myself that weight gain is healthy right now, I am still battling against 20 years of internal and external admonitions that gaining weight is not good at all.

I've been overweight for years, but in the last couple years I've really focused on eating healthy, keeping lots of fiber and fresh vegetables and calcium in my body, being active and making sure that my blood pressure, cholesterol and heart are in good shape. I am never going to have a "normal" BMI, I'm never going to be a size 6, and I kind of stopped beating myself up over it. After several years in my early 20s of gaining a lot of weight, I had stopped gaining and even lost a little bit, and even though I might sometimes wish to be smaller and feel jealous of my slender friends, I really think that I am mostly healthy and have a pretty good body image.

Because I am already overweight, I shouldn't gain as much as most women would during a pregnancy - I already having all the padding I need. So I've been keeping an eye on it, knowing that gaining too much could put me at risk for high blood pressure and other complications. And I'm proud to say that I'm right on track - gaining in all the right places and not getting too carried away by the "eating for two" and french fry cravings. A modest 15-20lbs is all I'm shooting for.

But despite the good body image, despite the healthy habits, despite the realistic goals and totally healthy gaining rate, I was still somewhat bummed today to see the scale reach a mark that I haven't seen it hit in a long, long time. You can't completely undo 20 years of brainwashing. I know, I know, this is all normal and totally fine. I am thrilled to take it as a sign that my little guy is growing and expanding and getting ready for life on the outside. But I just needed to take a moment and let myself sigh, and tell you all that sometimes changing one's body is easier than changing one's brain.