My Feet

A sudden swelling has come on.

At first I noticed that my toes were rounder than normal.

Then I noticed that my shoes were tighter than before.

And yesterday I looked down and realized that my feet as I had known them had disappeared, and in their place were round and puffy appendages I did not recognize. They still had the rough soles and chipped polish that characterized my old feet, but not one of the veins or tendons or lines I was used to seeing. Zach has been very attentive, rubbing and holding my swollen feet, helping me rest and easing my discomfort, but nothing can quite make the swelling go down.

New Yorkers depend our feet to get us where we need to go. There is no place that I go that doesn't involve a 6 or 7 block walk, even to get to the train or bus. I walk to work, I walk to the store, I walk to yoga, I walk to see friends.

Walking has gotten harder with a bigger belly, a slower gait. I've had to adjust how long it takes me to get from place to place. But now, my shoes don't even fit. Planning my day does not just involve adding a little extra time - it requires planning the shortest route between any three to five destinations, knowing in advance any stops that might arise, and strategizing for spots to sit and rest and possibly even put my feet up for a few minutes. New York is no place for a woman at the end of her pregnancy.

I bought new shoes yesterday, to help me get around. They still squeeze my swollen feet a little, but I think my days of trekking around the city are numbered. My feet are telling me that it is time to stay near home. Time to rest. I am getting toward the end of this journey, and my body is giving me a very clear sign of what it is I need to do.

34 Weeks

I'm having random strangers stop me to talk about my belly. "Oh, how far along are you?", and "You're carrying so low! It must be a boy!", and "Is this your first!?!" It's sweet.

Spring in my Step

New York is finally in bloom. Every year, there is one day when the parks suddenly transform from brown to a light misty green and the flower-boxes explode with color. I left a dull city on Friday and returned on Sunday to find it remade. Even my dark courtyard has been getting enough warmth to start sprouting shoots of green and yellow and pink. It is beautiful. And Brooklyn is filling up with babies. There are pasty parents and glowing babies emerging from every brownstone, filling up the sidewalks with strollers and smiles. Soon I'll be among them.

The warm breezes and fresh growth makes me feel like a new woman. The cloud of fatigue that had been hanging over me last month has lifted, and I find myself actually looking forward to running out of the house on errands or to classes. It is just such a joy to be outside.

I wonder if Baby can feel the warmth and smell the growing things. Does the sunshine make him want to come out and play, too? Or does he want to stay tucked up in his dark nest?

Discrepancy

I have a scale at home and have been watching the numbers spike higher and higher, after many months of staying pretty stable. I am still within my "overall" range of weight gain, but I had gained almost ten pounds in the last several weeks. Not surprising given that my belly has popped out to "fully pregnant" mode, and that I hadn't really gained a lot until this point. But still, I was nervous about going into the doctor and getting lectured about gaining too much too quickly, especially because in my heart of hearts I have to admit that this gain also coincides with the advent of a very powerful sweet tooth. So, imagine my surprise, when I stepped on the scale this afternoon at the doctors' office, to find I had not only NOT gained 10 lbs, I had actually lost a couple pounds since my last visit!!!!! I simply can not believe this, but the nurse swore it was right, and the doctor actually said "whatever you're doing, keep doing it!" She obviously doesn't suspect that what I'm "doing" these days involves a lot of cookies, ice cream, and bagels. Also, is it weird that my doctor seemed happy I was losing weight without asking me about my diet? I know she was referring to a slightly high glucose tolerance test that puts me at risk for growing a "too big" baby, and she did measure my fundus to ensure that the little guy was growing at the right rate, but still...being overweight makes me over-analyze every little thing that comes up involving doctors and weigh-ins...

Slowing Down

The last couple weeks, I have been feeling the need to slow down. Sometimes, my body doesn't give me a choice.

Twice in the last week I took a spill, the sprawling, bag-flying, shoe-losing, full-body kind of sidewalk tumble that is sure to get you concerned comments from walkers-by, especially when they realize you are pregnant. I managed to avoid landing on my expansive midsection both times, but I did bang up my hand and knee pretty well. I guess I must have been walking too fast, or my balance is off, or something. Either way, I was pretty shaken up, especially after the second time. I just started crying right there in the middle of the street and I called Zach and made him come pick me up and he took me home and made me a cup of tea and put me to bed. I don't know what I would do without him here to take care of me.

Almost immediately following this episode I came down with a cold. This marks the first time that I've been sick since I got pregnant (besides morning sickness, of course), so I can't complain too much. I had already been realizing that I might be pushing myself a little bit, in terms of my schedule, so when I started feeling sick I canceled all my classes and stayed home for three days straight. Almost a little self-imposed bed-rest. It felt really good to be quiet, to be alone, and to take care of myself.

I'm still 8 weeks away from my due date, and it seems like way too soon to stop working, but I'm trying to be better about spacing out my schedule a little bit. It's hard to admit that I can't do as much as I used to, and it's hard to say no when I get asked to take something on. It's hard to admit that I'm not as tough as other women who keep working right up until their due date. But I just can't do it. Even on good days, I get tired very easily. And if I do push myself too hard one day, it takes twice as long as usual for me to catch up. So it's time to slow down. And soon it is going to be time to stop all together. That time is getting closer every week.

Auntie Lauren and Amelia - 30 Weeks

One of us has a ball under her shirt. The other has a cousin.

Sharing

When you are pregnant, you are never alone.

Everywhere I go, I have a little being with me who hears what I hear, tastes what I eat, feels when I'm stressed, and taps me to remind me that he's still in there. As if I could forget.

Carrying someone inside of you is possibly the most intimate experience that I can imagine, but this intimacy is being shared with a stranger. Someone I haven't yet met. I think that maybe it would be better if we could do it in reverse. Meet our child, fall in love with him, know that I love him more than anything else, and THEN be able to tuck him inside of me and carry him around and take perfect care of him. But I don't get it that way. Instead I am sharing the most generous, giving, nurturing, supportive thing I will ever do with someone I don't know.

I've been thinking about what it will be like when he isn't inside of me anymore. I think I will miss him, even though he'll be right here on the outside. But I won't have the constant companion that I've had this year, I won't feel him turning and kicking and dancing inside of me. I wonder if I'll be lonely.