YES+

An unexpected word.

This month I tried so hard not to over-analyze my bodysigns. I was too successful, perhaps, because I did not anticipate the change that was occurring within me.

And now I hardly trust the news, quick to grab each pinch and pull as a sign that my body isn't up to this new job it has been given.

Can this be real? I hesitate to let years of expectation find release. Surely it is too soon to know for sure. Surely it is too soon to be real.

But the word on the stick belies the signs from my body.

Purpose

As a young woman, I looked at my body and found lots to criticize. Hips too full, a belly too round, breasts too big.

I looked at my body and told myself "this is a body built for babies" but I didn't want babies. I wanted a body built for seduction and coolness and life. My heart didn't match my body.

But now my heart is ready. I assumed that my body had just been waiting for the "go", for the window of opportunity, to do what it was built to do. But now, again, my body and my mind are at odds.

How long before they align?

My Ears

...were peirced when I was seven, the magic number that meant that I was old enough to have my godmother take me out to the mall for that rite of passage. But I took the earrings out that night anyway and had to submit to my dad forcefully repierceing them in the spare room at my grandma's.



...had the dreams of my mother whispered into them when I was a baby and couldn't understand her words.



...had the admonitions and disappointment of my mother shouted into them when I was a teenager and couldn't understand her any better.

I can usually read my body like a book, but I don't recognize the signs right now.

Signs

I've been analyzing every signal my body gives me, waiting for a clue or sign that will tell me which road I have been walking down for the past two weeks. Every twinge and cramp warrants inspection and classification.

Do my breasts feel larger?

Is that more saliva than normal?

Am I nauseated, or just anxious?

I feel tired for no reason. I feel worn thin. I feel unable to face day-to-day challenges. If these are signs of the normal changes my body makes, rather than a new one, it is unfair that at such an unbalanced time I will need to balance my emotions.

I was trying not to get my heart set on something I couldn't control, but the moment of truth is getting closer and I am questioning if I am strong enough to deal with disappointment. Patience has never been my virtue, and it feels especially far away from me now.

A New Idea

I'm dipping my foot in the water, testing out a new idea. I'm trying it on for size. Reading some books, changing some habits. I'm trying to decide if I'm ready for this, but in truth my body has already decided for me. My body knows if change is coming or if we'll continue on in the same old way. My body knows, but it's not ready to fill me in yet. I have just a little more time to keep pretending and experimenting with an idea before that idea becomes a very real, very present part of my life.

My Back

...wants to bend downward
...doesn't want to hold up my front
...is stronger that it seems
...should be tickled gently every night before I go to bed
...rolls
...hurts
...crunches
...keeps my secrets